I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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