What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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