tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
