i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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