Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The maid of honor just puked.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
