The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
