but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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