Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize