When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
