I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
