I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
