capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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