I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
