Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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