i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
