true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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