Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize