the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
