I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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