That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
