I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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