i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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