I can tuck mytits in my pants
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
