there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
