You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize