apparently the secret to your success is patron
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
