Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm really busy with my period
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