i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
