Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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