the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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