Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
