my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
