6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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