ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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