I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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