How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
