I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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