currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
