Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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