Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
