i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
