my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
