I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
