can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
