You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
