dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
