How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Houston, we have a squirter
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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