last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
