just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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