I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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