Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
