I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize