I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
