There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
did i just pee glitter
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
