I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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