At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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