if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
