he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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