Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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