put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
