this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
