found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
