He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
